Before my trip, I had been going to an Al-Anon meeting that met on Friday evenings. I thought about going to that earlier, but I chickened out.

It's a small group with a core of members that attend regularly. I figured that woulI d be a good group where I'ld get to know the others and they would get to know me.

I got discouraged because I failed to make any connection with anyone there. When the meeting ends, we stand and say a prayer. Then some members chat with other members. I stand there momentarily. Then I feel awkward with no one to talk to. So I walk out the door, through the club lobby and across the parking lot to my car. It feels very lonely.

So I decided not to go to that meeting this evening. I feel rejected going to meetings where no one talks to me. I'm very depressed now, feeling like I got rejected by family members during my visit. I don't want to go to a gathering where I'm going to feel like an outcast.

I know that this "outcast feeling" is something I do to myself. Nobody at the Al-Anon meetings has intended to be rejecting of me. At the start of the meeting, they read this thing about how they "love" any new person who attends the meeting. I guess I just don't feel it.

I'll try to go next Friday. Walking into gatherings of people causes me intense social anxiety. All my life I've had that problem. All my life I've forced myself to not let my anxiety stop me from exploring things. Eventually I'll force myself to go to a meeting again.

Back in 2020, after my boyfriend died, I ended up getting admitted to a psych facility twice. While there, I did force myself to be friendly toward other patients, my peers. That helped me a lot because I managed to find others to talk to.

I'm spending too much time alone. By that I mean I'm constantly alone. I went to a community center about a week ago, which caused me bad anxiety. I will force myself to attend some activity at the community center next week. I was too depressed today. If I stay alone in my apartment all day, day after day, I'll eventually want to die. I have felt that way in the past, but I always managed to overcome that despair. So I guess I'll figure it out again.

Now I have to eat something and take another one of my amitriptyline pills.