I don't know why my brain had to remind me what I was like in highschool I've done a lot of work so I'm not that person anymore. I guess something's just haunt you with the bad behaviour. I totally don't blame myself for wanting to stay single it's just a stupid dumb **** that makes me a liability for stupid things but we were all teenagers. I guess doesn't make me feel a lot less stupid for it. I guess when men talk to me now I just think holy **** when I have to reveal this **** they're gonna think ick. I guess we all do dumb **** when young. If I told a man they'd just do what the others did maybe use me for sex but I guess. It's this dumb **** that I wish I could tell them I'm sorry for. Anyway, I don't know what Teeg would think of me now. I'm single because of my own stupid behaviour. I have to accept that part of myself that I was desperate for love and affection that I behaved in a promiscuous way. That's just it, it's not even what other people think but yes that's me. In saying that it wasn't all me. It just gives me a headache to think what I was like. I don't care the trauma but I behaved stupidly. I wish I could tell him that I'm a better person now. I guess we all change but no man is gonna look at my past and think oh what a noble and caring woman. They're just gonna think a used "W". So when I tell myself I stayed single for all the right reasons because I know that's the sensible thing to do. Rather than acting disturbing. Also I don't think a man could make sense of me anyway. Not that crazy behaviour. I think when they look at me they'll think who is this nutty slut. When I go to the psychologist can she tell me why I behaved this way? Why I was so slutty why my sexuality was so ****ed up? Can she give me a cure so I stop acting so stupidly. My embarrassment. People assure me I'm not to crazy to understand but when I have that disgraceful behaviour it's hard to overlook the ****ed upness of the foundation and the thoughts. The obsessions. Facing that part of me. No man is gonna see me as a wife material. This is all disgusting and just shameful. I wish I could of been a more noble woman. Maybe I wouldnt have gotten all the creeps. Maybe I'd have a noble man no man is never going to forgive me because what I behaved like is disgusting and disgraceful. No noble man well see a wife but a used *****. So yes I'm single because we'll look at this ****. I wanted friendship so badly, to be understood so badly that I behave so ****ed. How could there be an awesome man that be like oh look my beautiful wife he'd be disgusted. So yeah I guess I earned my reputation.