I'm glad I offered something that you found validating. I suspect we've had some similar experiences. It gets depressing to feel you've been racking up failures, despite a good deal of effort. It gets heart-breaking. Then to be told that: "If only you'ld work on your issues . . . . if only you'ld try harder . . . " I've been there. I've been told things like that. My response was: "What do you think I've been doing . . . and doing . . . and doing . . . all my life?!" It is the height of arrogance for some professional to suggest that your predicament and your continued difficulties are due to lack of commitment on your part to improve your life. But a lot of them will say that or imply that. Do not let anyone of them be the arbiter of what is true for you. I don't care how many letters are after their name.

You must be honest with yourself and take ownership of where your approach to handling things may have been misguided. That does not mean you weren't trying . . . and trying very hard. Therapy may be helpful, or it may not be. I often found that it wasn't very impactful. The important insights that I've gained I pretty much figured out for myself. None of them were due to some revelation that came out of therapy. However, therapists can be extremely defensive. I've had interactions with therapists and with psychiatrists that I would call downright abusive. And . . . the more highly credentialed they are, the more vicious they can become. Trust me. I've been there.

It may be that the professional treatment you've been getting has not been effective for you. That doesn't mean the professionals were not doing the best they could. It does not mean that you weren't doing the best you could. Sometimes "treatment," both pharmaceutical and psychotherapeutic fails to be very helpful. It has happened to me. That means you have to search elsewhere for answers. I'm not saying you should discontinue therapy or whatever help you are getting. I am saying: don't rely too heavily on it.

In life we have to experiment and try things that might feel scarey to try. This isn't going to happen, sitting in an office, talking with someone. I have struggled with depressive episodes all my life. In between episodes, I often feel very well. I live for those good intervals. Here's what works for me: During a depressive episode (which can last a long while,) I say to myself: Something about the way I am approaching life is not working for me. What can I do differently? What do I have the power to change? I don't accuse myself of not trying hard enough. Rarely is that the problem. More likely, I've been beating my head against a brick wall . . . knocking myself out, pushing real hard and getting nowhere.

Your experience with your divorce seems to be the crux of your problem, since you mention it. Somehow you've gotten stuck. I believe you have more power than you know you have. I believe we all do. That's not blind faith on my part. That's my lived experience. Somehow you've got to marshall up that power and focus it in some direction. You might be better able to figure that out, yourself, than the people you are turning to for counsel. I wish you luck and success.