Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
It’s very possible that this woman that shocked you has ADHD and her mother also has it. This kind of relationship can be explosive and loud and can be very disturbing and unsettling to others. Along with that it’s not unusual for the ADHD environment be what you described witnessing. The anger directed at you is also very common and the only thing you can do Is what you did which was walk away As quickly as possible.
This kind of person is not really capable of understanding how you are challenged right now with grieving over the loss of your mother.
|
I agree with you @
Open Eyes that she isn't capable of understanding (let alone care) how I'm challenged right now with my grieving over my mother's death a few months ago.
I could hear her mother scream back at her through my former friend's cellphone. It was apparent to me that they did not have a healthy mother-daughter relationship based on how they just yelled over each other. Total opposite of the type of relationship that I had with my own mother. Sure, we had our moments and I complained about her favoritism on here and sometimes her judgy behavior that I took personally...but we never screamed over each other and we also always listened to each other, even if we disagreed with the other person. Plus, she's gone forever now and I won't let anyone like this former friend, mar my relationship with my mother because she's too selfish to care about my feelings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jesyka
Please don’t blame yourself for what happened. Obviously she was able to fool you until you stayed ar her place. I have been fooled by people to many times before.
I have actually made worse decisions than you. Long story short, I once stupidly agreed to share a hotel room with a platonic male friend & his g.f when we went out drinking. It wasn’t planned. It was his idea.
I think he actually planned things. He knew I didn’t have enough money for my own room. I didn’t actually get to know him in person during the 2 or three years we were friends since he couldn’t go out that much then since he had to take care of his dad who had dementia.
He was so pushy & disrespectful the whole night. He kept trying to get me to reveal something I told him in confidence to his g.f.
And him & his g.f were watching me at one point. It was bizarre. I tried to brush it off since his das just died. I’m sure he was trying to get me drunk & hoping that I’d have a threesome with him & his weirdo g.f, lol, ugh!
I had it with him & told him so, so he got mad & left me at a bar. I slept in my car. I didn’t want my husband to get mad at me.
I stopped being his friend. He seemed fine before that. Always stay at a hotel and get your own room. I know better now too.
Some people are good at putting up an act. Don’t believe everything tell you either. That lady probably lied to you about a lot of things.
I don’t understand how a lawyer could act like that. Or live like that. Maybe she’s no longer a lawyer or she never was a lawyer at all?
Anyways, I also have a hard time keeping & making friends. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I’m shy & introverted. Maybe it’s because most women my age are to busy with work, kids, and they have enough friends or family to keep them busy, idk.
Some people are just selfish too. They make everything about themselves, so it’s not just you. It seems like if you don’t have anything to offer a person in the way of social status, favors, or anything like that, then they aren’t interested in neing ‘friends’ with you.
Thankfully nothing happened. It’s good that you were anle to stay calm.
|
Wow, @
jesyka thank you for sharing your own personal experience your guy friend and his girlfriend, to commiserate with me about making bad decisions. It's terrible the way he took advantage of your situation with no money for the hotel room. And then tried to proposition you with his girlfriend. What a creep. I'm sorry to read that you had to sleep in your car because you were worried what your husband would think. People make mistakes. I hope he is understanding if you ever eventually told him. If you haven't, don't worry. It's not worth it. I'm not sharing this experience with anyone except this forum, my cousin, and the counselor whom I spoke on the phone with today.
Neither you nor me knew that these people had ulterior motives and clearly they took advantage of our vulnerable good nature. Fortunately, you and I are the wiser for it, because "fool me once, shame on you" as the saying goes.
I don't understand how she (a lawyer) could act so unhinged with me, a brand new (and now former) friend. She isn't practicing (gee, we know why now don't we). So, she published a book b/c she's related to a well known writer and has an MFA in writing so she uses her last name to make literary connections. Plus, her mother's a journalist too. I think no matter what their professions, they are two very dysfunctional people. At least I learned the truth - albeit at the expense of my mental health and a small financial hit of the plane ticket nonrefundable cost (dumb move on my part, nonrefundable).
I spoke to a counselor tonight and like you and everyone here, he pointed out that I should be aware of how a person reacts to the boundaries that I put up. He said that her overreaction to my reasonable boundary showed him (and shows me) that she didn't like my boundary because she had ulterior motives (he didn't speculate what those were but hinted that she is probably diagnosed with something). He advised that most people don't react that strongly to a friend's boundary; most people react a little and then apologize if they truly respect and care about the person whose boundary's they crossed.
Like you and others point out, some people are just selfish and make everything about themselves so that it isn't me in this case. I didn't cause her to overreact to my reasonable boundary. She didn't like being called out (which is what my boundary setting did). So she got mad.
I am like you - introverted and I don't fit in with the female working professional crowd. I'm not married. I don't have children, and I don't have family (my siblings and I aren't close and neither are my cousins).
The counselor encouraged me to keep setting boundaries when I feel my boundaries being stepped on by people. He said it will get easier the more that I do it. I think I was able to stay calm with the former friend, b/c I knew deep down that any sign of stress from me would trigger her even more. So, I stayed calm to protect myself. I didn't raise my voice and I didn't take her baited sarcastic remarks and didn't respond. I just said very few words, "I don't feel safe here with you. I'm going to leave now. I'll figure it out." Then I walked out, and shut her front door behind me. She tried to bait me by yelling about her cats being harmed by my shutting her front door loud but I just ignored her verbal bait and kept walking until I was 2 blocks away, and called the Uber.
I appreciate everyone's support in this thread. I feel a lot better now and can see that none of that experience was my fault at all. None of it.