It is so hard to let this situation go. Especially as I don't feel there are any real alternatives. And I will probably need a few years to recover from this. I can't imagine I am able to endure this loneliness for another year, let alone more (or probably even the rest of my life). Some events of the last week ...

On Friday we watched the film of our show in the dance school. After that we went to a small tango event. Same people as usual but in a different setting. There, I danced with another lady - as is normal in these events - and sat aside, talking with her for half an hour. After that, we danced again. Now the one person I am so in love with, appeared to be keeping an eye on me (but that could just be my taking my hopes for reality of course). After that, she came to sit next to me to talk. We usually talk after dancing. We danced and she asked me to accompany her to a workshop next Saturday (yesterday she said she was not sure, she is recovering from depression too and does not always have the energy and I understand that).

We met again on Sunday afternoon for an advanced workshop. And there, something a bit ambiuous happened. We are currently in a heat wave so it was very hot. I made a remark about my reluctance to dance when I am all sweaty. She said that is usually not a point. But then ... she told me she really likes me a lot (yay!) but also said that she regretted that I am not always wearing a fresh t-shirt. In fact I was, and I told her I was surprised, I mean, I do take a shower before dancing, I brush my teeth and I started wearing my hair in a ponytail because it is less hot. I also admitted that I don't always have the chance to change shirts on Mondays because I often have classes until late and and on those occasions, I have the choice between dancing in my day-old shirt or not dancing at all. She seemed to be understanding. We discussed tips on cleaning the washing machine and adding a little soda to the cycle. She also talked about her ex who had the same problem and that he was happy with her tips because after that, he thought his children smelled much better. So all this set me off ruminating like, is this really a breaking point? Did I ruin my chances? Does really liking me a lot mean anything, or was it just a way to bring the harsh new in a slightly less painful manner?
Sunday evening, we had our regular dancing class. I had in the meanwhile followed her advice. We rode home, just as we usually do and I told her my washing machine was in the process of being cleaned as we spoke.
Assuming this will lead nowhere, I do wonder whether I did handle this in a sensible manner as I might learn something that can be beneficial in future situations. Was I right in accepting the unpleasant message, pointing out what I already did and that I was surprised and pointing out that I gave heed to her irritation.

Then we met again on Monday (yesterday). When she arrived, I was talking to the same lady I was talking to on Friday. As soon as she had gotten into her dancing shoes, she came to invite me. I politely declined: songs are played in blocks or 3 or 4, grouped logically by orchestra, singer and period and the current block of songs was already in its last song. That was OK as she had just entered and had no idea the last song was already playing (and honestly, somebody told me to not be too eager, that plays its part too). The lady I was talking to made a remark about me - as a man - being invited (which is not customary). After that, I went to invite my crush and we danced as we usually do the last few weeks. Most often, people dance at a slight distance. A few weeks back she did however point out that she wanted to dance in close embrace with me (and that means that you make contact over the entire length of your body) but that she is recluctant because my (curly) hair would be in her mouth (hence too the pony tail) and that I had to work on my posture (which I was already doing for months but dancing a little stooped is an old habit many people have and which is often not correct so it is hard to constantly maintain a good posture. I am extremely motivated now ). We even closed the evening and danced for a second time (she normally prefers to dance with as many people as possible and so do I because you get to learn more although I must admit that I do have an inclination to dance a little more often with her).

In my thinking, I have given up on this situation. Emotionally, I clearly haven't. But I am constanty wondering whether I might have learned something in case I might ever meet somebody whom I feel the same way towards.

But honestly, I don't believe I will ever find somebody. I think my anxiety is too great (partly because it has gone untreated for years) and I don't fancy the idea of growing old in this loneliness. Next year, I will normally graduate. It will give me access to a well-paying job (people say that is supposed to make things easier) but I don't believe this will help me with the difficultly I experience on a social level. I have kind of set a deadline: if I don't have a relationship by the time I graduate, I believe it is time to draw my conclusions. A job, a company car and whatever it brings me wont give me confidence in social situations (especially when feelings of love are involved).

And then there is this friend who pointed out that being too eager could set her off ... she proposed to get together to make some pictures and "optimize" a tinder profile. But I do have my doubts as I have previously egxperienced online dating as quite toxic (nobody is ever really honest for instance), I doubt whether I will meet a match there (a few years ago, there was a book in which that author argued that dating apps benefit from having you match "almost" as it gives you enough of an incentive to return and you do have to return because as long don't really match). To me, it seems like trying out as many people as possible for a few months and to move on if you don't fall in love. I hate the prospect of being dumped 4 times a year (and even less so the prospect of having to end a relationship myself). Also, I am not sure if I have the energy ...