I have been working so hard for so long and still I seem to be getting nowhere. Yes, I am "advancing" - that is doing things that should lead somewhere - as they say but my anxiety has not diminished. My will to live has not returned. I no longer believe things will get better because despite all my efforts, things haven't become better. All I do is spend energy but I never seem to get anything in return. I really believe it is time my efforts pay off and that this great future everyone - doctors and therapists in the first place - envisages for me starts. Like now. Not tomorrow. Or do they really want me to keep on toiling for another 40 years and will they then finally say: "Oh well, you might have been right, life does not seem to have much happiness in store for you. But hey, for the little time that still remains, it is a bit absurd to put you to sleep now."?