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MuddyBoots · Jun 14, 2023, 06:59 AM

So I've been thinking about something a counselor told me after I explained my relationships to her. She said this was fear of abandonment because it's a pattern

It's the same cycle every time. I met someone, I try and stay detached, but I inevitably get attached and I get scared and end it. Done it with every romantic relationship I've been in and most friendships. Sometimes it's ghosting them, sometimes it's pushing them away by putting myself in a crisis situation or just plain old becoming a mess of a person and scaring them off, sometimes it's just "I can't do this anymore."

Possible trigger:

In my last relationship, I thought it was a friends with benefits situation, but then he said he loved me/cared a lot about me, and then I realized I loved him and I didn't want him to leave me so I went off my meds and did a bunch of street drugs and he stood by me when I went crazy, attempted suicide, and wound up in the hospital. I thought it was the best relationship ever. I didn't talk to anybody else irl. But then as I was talking about the relationship with my case manager who sorta doubles as a therapist she told me he was manipulating and abusing me. She was right. He was forcing me into sex when I didn't want to, showing nudes/videos of me/us to his coworkers, and we had a couple physical fights.

But I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to be alone. In the hospital I discussed some of this in group and a bunch of people gave me their number so I could talk to them and block his number, but I still make decisions with his validation in mind. For example, I don't listen to music he wouldn't approve of. I'm studying music theory in case we ever meet again (he's a musician and would always talk in jargon I couldn't understand). I unblocked his number hoping he'd send me a text out of the blue some day. Maybe once I get over the embarrassment of my attempt I'll text him. Idk.

It was similar in my relationship before that. She had BPD and was very clingy. At first I loved this, but then she got hardcore into drugs and I felt I was losing her so I started using with her. I don't ever remember being separated from her during our relationship. I even skipped Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family to be with her. One day I woke up and decided I hated her and kicked her out of my life (for the better as it turned out). After a couple weeks without her, I was still using and I really missed having a "drinking buddy." I got suicidal again and thought about jumping off of the tower I worked on at the time every time I had to go up there.

Possible trigger:

Another relationship I had was just back and forth verbal abuse and threats of suicide every time the other expressed suicidal ideation (we were both depressed). Once she threatened murder after I sent her a picture of me under a bridge. But we were together for a year on and off with lots of fights.

Another I absolutely hated him, but he was lonely and I was lonely so I got drunk and slept with him frequently. I decided to give him a chance, went on a hike with him, got obsessed, then he went NC with me out of the blue and I spiraled. Saw him in town once, he implied I was fat, and I went back to feeling rage every time I think about him.

TL/DR: Chaotic relationships. Help.
Idk. Thoughts? Advice? Should I just stay alone for the rest of my life?