Given my shyness and anxiety, I wont get the chance to try 30 women. Probably not even 3. This was probably curable 15 or 20 years ao but as I was functionning superficially, the entire mental healthcare system assumed there was not really a problem. That they had to ignore my accounts of anxiety, suicidal ideation, binge eating, hitting myself etc. apparently was not a problem. So there is this one option now ... maybe a next one in 4 years. Or 8. Or maybe there will never again be an option ...
It is not that I did not try. I have attempted to ask random women out - 3 or 4 on a day sometimes - as it seemed doable when there was no emotional attachment. They all declined. Every single one of them. And I only do this in my better days, when I do manage to put on a happy face and can engage in a normal conversation (needless to say, it is a quick way to spoil my mood for the week to come).
Isn't it natural that, if such situations come with such anxiety that you don't want to suffer through this for somebody that you wont' probably not stand to be around for more than a few hours a week, just because it is an option you should try?

And as for settling for less ... I have had a relationship that lasted for a year. She had fybromyalgia, was awake for 8 hours a day, resting about half of that time and the other 4 hours she spent mostly taking care of her heavily autistic son. I am a person who is interested in arts, jazz music, used to do a lot of sports and despite a cardiac problem (which probably diminished my chances even further) maintain an active lifestyle. I ended up going to bed at nine after having seen a disney movie for the third time. There was no room to listen to music. No chance of doing anything together except for sitting on the couch watching television. Even turning the page of a book made too much noise. I struggle to do my own household, but I did hers. And that has been my only opportunity the last 4 years so I give it all. I was spent when I eventually took the initiative to break up. And I still regret doing so; she did not make me happy but she was my only chance.

Should I not despair? What is there to hope for? What perspective do I have except for the theoretical consideration offered by doctors and therapists that I can indeed not knów my future? It is the best therapy can offer. After all this hard work - on my own part, therapists have mostly ignored my problems - of the last 20 years, I still have nothing to show for except that I am still trying. And apparently that should give me hope. Apparently, I do not have the right to despair over the lack of results. I don't see how the fact that I am still trying - I don't really like the idea of the other option - can be enough to keep on hoping, especially if all the energy I have spent has lead me to nothing.

And yes, I do know I have low self esteem and a very negative self image. I don't reject people. I give everybody who's interested a chance because there are so few chances for me. Or at least, there might be more but I just don't see them. I can't believe anybody could be interested in me and it is only when it is that obvious, when a woman takes the innitiative that I get an opportunity. In my experience, I have never rejected anyone because I never saw another person who took an interest in me. And maybe this one woman is all over me - probably not - but if she is, I will never believe it, I will never notice it.