Ok, I think I got a clear signal that I really have to let go of my last illustion of a perspective. It will leave me with nothing, I will be in the desert for another gazillion years. The chance is big I will never be not-alone and not-lonely. I have gone through all the suffering I can have but I am still willing to bear with it until I graduate. Somehow I hope for a miracle that would bring me a stable relationship but if that does not happen within a year, I am not sure I still want to continue with the theoretical idea that you don't know what happens tomorrow as my sole motivation. I need something concrete because I can't believe in this hypothetical approach anymore.

What happened? I went simming with a friend on Friday and on the way out, we ran into her (the woman from the tango whom I am so in love with). As we often do, we have to go in the same direction on the bicycle and she even took a detour to see my vegetable garden. Earlier this week, she expressed she was not sure if she was really coming to yesterday's (Saturday) tango workshop because she was not sure whether she would have the energy. I did not get the chance to ask about the workshop before she said we would meet for this class.

When somebody in our whatsapp group asked in the afternoon who was going to this event, she answered; not just for her but she stated she was going with me. So yesterday we went to the workshop and it was nice. There was a dancing evening after and it was nice. I notice - or maybe I take my dreams for reality - that when she looks at me, she often smiles. She seemed interested and happy for me when I told about the evaluation of my painting class yesterday afternoon (one of the jury members is a friend who said my paintings really match how he knows me as a person). But then, why do I believe I should really give up?
When we were eating after the workshop, she was discussing a present and a small reception for the teachers who will return to Argentina for a season with other people who sat at our table. She said she could not stay late because she has a date on Tuesday. I was devastated. She said she's curious because he's a poet. She also said that she always ends up with these guys who are a lot of "show". I know her well enough to know this a her pattern - she is insecure, lonely and constantly searching - and that she has gotten hurt by this type of guys before (in fact her last crisis which I witnessed was the result of such a breakup). She is going for some kind of intoxication they can offer which helps her for a few weeks but which leaves her devastated as well. She seems to be aware of this pattern but still she continues doing so. I will never be able to compete with those guys.

Nevertheless, when saying goodbye, I did tell her I was really happy I had gotten the chance to take this class with her and that I really enjoyed it. Not that it will make a difference.

My friend told me on Friday I should try to go swimming with her as that is something she really likes. All that seems futile now.

But the question remains ... how can I let go?

I believe having a perspective can make all the difference. I have none. I have been in tinder for four days, even looking into women who are up to 15 years older. I have no matches so far (that is not entirely true, I have already had a scam).
So far, I have been taking painting classes and hoping I would meet somebody there. But every year, it turns out there is nobody in my class who could be a good match (many are much older and retired, some are much younger, most have a partner). So I am always hoping it will happen next year. But it has not not given me a lot of opportunities the last four years.
Then there is tango dancing. I am reluctant to quit because it does give me some confidence and helped me accept my body after my heart problems. But that is exactly where I meet her three or four days a week. And there too, most people come as a couple and with a few exceptions most women are much older or much younger (I don't believe I should date somebody who is more than 10 years younger). There is nobody who's interested there. I could end up in the same pattern there: hoping that there will be somebody new next year for years...

But then how do I create this perspective? I really can't do any extra classes or activities so my guess is I should skip certain things I am currently doing. But then, what should I do instead of dancing? What is a good environment?

And if I have some perspective? How do I then handle my anxiety? Should I start a relationship with anyone who wants me and evaluate after a few weeks whether I have fallen in love and, if not, move on to the next woman (I am not a great fan of the idea as it appears extremely disrespectful to me)?

I also wonder whether I made mistakes. Was I wrong in saying I enjoyed both her invitation and being with her yesterday?

But most of all - and I am aware nobody can offer me this - I need an answer to the question when it will finally happen. And I am not sure if the answer is 'in five years', I will want to endure these extra five years of loneliness.