There are so many patterns that align with covert narcissism.

Like being vulnerable and needing support and positivity, unless she had gotten supply from somewhere else. Then she was the one in control and I had better respect and appreciate a strong woman!

But if that is who she is, then what was real over the years?

We have so many inside jokes and shared memories. It rained yesterday, and at one point it downpoured, like one of those insane downpours where it can't rain harder.

My daughter and I ran to the car.

I immediately had a flashback to her mom and I in university running across campus to my truck in the rain when we got caught in a downpour. If we had fallen in a pool we couldn't have been more soaked.

She was so wonderful and happy and genuine, laughing and drenched, with mascara ruined by the rain. I loved her so much in that instant.

Was that real?

Or was that the mask?

This dark hatred... Is that the real her?

Just where my head is at these days. It is actually probably healthier to accept what is and not examine what was too closely. I'm just mourning.