Pliepla, I wish I could hit the thanks button a couple of times on that post. It's excellent.

I 100% agree that it's both.

This is JMHO, but I think it's not that a narcissist can't love you, it's just that their love is conditional and transactional. Of course, that isn't genuine love but it's all they've got. But there is good behavior and kindness mixed in.

There's a guy online who is a self aware narc (not sam vaknin). From his videos it seems that narcs are very short sighted. Whatever they say or feel is generally compartmentalized to that moment. So if they scream they hate you one moment and love you the next, they probably actually mean it- in that moment. Problem is that it's toxic to those of us on the other end. They're so unregulated, they are more like children than adults.

I have lots of memories of dh being loving, attentive, and protective, but in retrospect I also see the red flags mixed in of devaluation, ruined holidays and picked fights that made no sense. Me taking blame for things that weren't my fault. You know the drill....

Recently, DD remarked, "it's like the good parts of him used to balance out the bad parts of him. And now they don't.". That's where I've left it. He's changed, not for the better, and it never was what it ideally should have been, but it was still something.

Processing this stuff is hard. It will happen in its own good time