I hate to start another thread, but I'm not doing good at all. I get episodes or intervals of depression. In between those times of feeling bad, I feel pretty good. Often I feel fine. This evening I've been in an awful way.

I was pulling out of my last episode by cleaning my place up. It gets pretty messy when I'm depressed. I was making progress and the kitchen was starting to look better. Then a pipe under the sink developed a big hole and there was water all over the floor and in the cabinet under the sink.

I pulled a ton of cleaning supplies out from that cabinet and wiped up all the water. My landlord put in new piping. Now I have to put back all the stuff and clean the floor and finish straightening the kitchen. Then I got the messy living room to tidy up and clean.

I did nothing today. For hours this evening I've been a wreck mentally, breaking down crying, feeling awful sorrow. I recently dreamt of my boyfriend who died. This evening, I felt awful grief over losing him. I haven't felt such grief, since after he died 3 years ago. I remembered something nice he did for me, and I got to missing him so bad that I wished I could die.

My trip to visit family recently didn't go how I hoped. It's like I lost everyone that I thought cared for me.

@I rarely feel really suicidal, but earlier I did. Like I have no warmth left in my life.;

If I can just clean up the kitchen, I think I can get myself better gradually. I couldn't make myself before. I will try now. Also I have to go do things and get out of the house. I'm staying alone way too much with no contact with anyone. If I don't gain some ground soon, I'm afraid I'll be unable to. Any encouragement helps me.