you are growing. in the time i've known you you have grown so much. it has been a pleasure to watch, but painful too, of course. lots of grieving. sometimes grieving is what we need to do... things take time, but they slowly, gradually, progressively get better. not all better now kinda better... but good. there can be moments of gentle peace and quiet okayness even there amongst the grieving. hang in there... you are doing so well.