As for her dating other men ... it is not that I don't allow it and I guess most of the times these things lead to nothing. It is just that it terrifies me she is going with a person that matches her normal pattern, knowing that she has never ended up well with this type of persons. She appears to be well aware but still goes through with it. I guess it strikes a chord with my feeling inadequate (if you look at the list of things I am already doing in my first post ... I am now considering to start learning an instrument to become a more complete person). I don't mean to turn my back on her out of anger, it is more out of fear for the emotions I will go through if she eventually hooks up with this other guy. I see it as a protective measure.

And then there is the other women whom I have been talking to before. I was talking to her yesterday as well. We get along fine but emotionally my crush is in the way. Anyway, after a while my crush came to ask me to dance, which I did not decline. In the end we rode to her home by bike (I live a little further) and finally had the type of longer personal conversation I have been longing for. I know she suffers from depression as well and we got really personal. I know she is not doing well and she is probably searching for a date so frantically as an escape route. But given my sensitivities - and being in love or infatuated* with somebody has always really brought out my worst fear - this is uncertainty really killing me. And I know that it will be a factor in every future situation which adds to my fear. Also, with every repetition of this cycle of insecurity and "failure"* this problem becomes worse and I don't believe it will ever be solved.

I have had a relationship with somebody I met when I was hospitalized with depression. What I remember from that is that we did not have much to go on apart from our mental issues. But al through the year we were together, I think the patience and understanding we could offer each other was really unique and I truly believe that in my current situation, where we share quite a lot of other things, these issue can really add to a relationship. If you ask me, I think I am and I also feel like a good fit; it is just that she probably won't choose me.

* Please bear in mind that my native tongue is Dutch. I believe my English is quite ok but I sometimes lack some nuance and might pick the wrong word, as for instance in these two cases.