Well these feelings are “unique” to her because you’ve been married a long time and not because she is so unique herself.

There are ton of wonderful women in this world whom you could love and be happy with.

Intensity of your longing for this woman isn’t due to her being so spectacular but rather her being unavailable. That’s how people feel when they pursue dysfunctional unavailable partners: like it’s unique and so intense. It’s not intense because they are wonderful partners. Not at all. You pursued this unavailable woman in your marriage and now when it’s over, you still desire this unavailable woman. In fact worse she treats you, more you want her.

I know you said you can’t afford therapy or don’t think it’s useful but there is a reason your longing for her is so intense. It’s a common feeling of pursuing unavailable partners. It’s not a sign of them being your soul mates or other romantic movies type of things.

You cannot change her, rescue her or save her or make her into someone she’s not. Longer you spend on pursuing (either literally or in your mind) this unavailable woman longer you’ll need to heal from it. And meeting someone healthy (eventually at some point in your life) might be complicated as you would find available women boring as you won’t need to pursue them.

There’s something good in almost everyone. In the context of your situation it’s irrelevant. Not only she’s not good fit for you but she’s not interested in staying with you. So dreaming of her coming back or changing her ways takes away from what’s real. The thing you want from her isn’t real because it’s not attainable

You mentioned several times that she is very gorgeous and it’s a part of your longing. Well it’s valid as lots of men are very into looks. I can ensure you that there are many absolutely stunning women out there.

I know you said you aren’t interested in actually divorcing this woman for number of reasons. I get it. But longer you stay in this limbo, more damage it’s causing for all parties involved.