For the entire time we were together I never stopped trying to do better, to improve myself, to reach her, to have her feel validated.

That is part of being in this type of dysfunctional relationship. One person shoulders the bulk of the responsibility and the blame.

Yes, there are physical and personality things about her that are profoundly attractive to me. I am enormously attracted to her, and I've been conditioned for decades to try harder to have her, and have been intermittently reinforced with positive outcomes.

So.... Yeah..... That profound longing shows up sometimes.

I know this is like breaking an addiction.

It's not that I don't see these things, it's fighting against those feelings.