Nvm, I had negative thought spiral, but I get to sit in the van now + Internet.. Sort of fun (With all of my battery chargers, ket etc). It's good.




It's a sunny day too - I went for a walk with my mom yesterday. I felt like she was judging me.. In the end, I couldn't take it - Sitting by the river.

Then she reminded me that she likes my company, etc.. Otherwise she'd be on this work trip alone. I took olanzepine and benzo, felt much better, had a good sleep.

It's a real struggle. Idk why everyone else knows that this world is infinite, but doesn't care or are not bothered. Maybe cuz trauma activates all of the existential questions.. I should research philosophy more.. Then again, I'm interested in everything. But the DPDR panic attacks, really changed me - For the better (When I'm good) and makes me even worse than before (When I feel deranged/disturbed etc).