Only now... My mom checks, to ask if I'm okay (Regularly). So I'm grateful for that. Even though she caused all of this. It's all because she feels guilty. She didn't kick me out, but I had to threaten suicide (With legit suicidal thoughts), when I wanted to quit my welding job (Cuz everyone never wanted to teach me - They just wanted me to do mindless stuff, again. Just like the mechanics job - They didn't want to teach me, cuz I was too young).

I wanted to make as much money, as fast as possible. If only people didn't get in my way, and judge me. I had unlimited motivation (At that time).

My mom got really mad and frustrated that I was suicidal. She didn't even raise me. All she cared about was about stupid things, cuz she's a control freak *****. And she wanted to compete with my dad. She got what she wanted.

She's alone. And I should leave. But I can't even comprehend, or work full time. And for what? I'd make pennies, not able to afford **** all.

So there's a sweet part of life, that I should just let go of the past, the OCD thoughts, adjust the convictions. But I'm so beaten and wronged. I've had learned helplessness and disappointment, whole life.

In 2020? With the parties.. that was nonsense.. I threatened a guy with a plastic shovel. And wanted to knock out my moms last ex (If he came out of the door - But he didn't). I had great times, it's a matter of perspective I guess. I'll feel better.. But I blocked the autistic speed addict friend. We talked every day for over a year (Sometimes all day).

But she/he brought up his looks, and since the start, I said I didn't want sex. But she's a complete weirdo - And my mom is listening to propaganda on Netflix in the background, about gender. I can't stand it. I don't know whether or what is politically correct, I just don't want to be grinded in this machine.

The conspiracies - People warn me, others agree.. What with schizophrenia is the CIA doing... What about the people complaining about "Gangstalkers". In the Truman Show I am. And it's interdimensional. All I need to do is learn, but the information is at warp speed. I wish I didn't care.

I care so much, and was thrown into this shape shifting, geometric patterned mess. And what is love? During the trip, I said "Love is fake" over and over, and had millions of thoughts (Per second - I swear to God. It was neurons, connecting so fast, and so complex/dynamic, that the feelings, intuition, hell, supernovae .. Just.. idk). I need rest.

Maybe I need to lower the stimulant - But I was feeling happy and good for 3 weeks. I'm just scared of hypnotic heart palps. They put me down more than anything that I can imagine.

Anyway, enough of a rant for now..