I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe. How heartbreaking!

A psychiatrist once told me that one reaches the point where one is wondering whether one should go for emergency treatment, that IS the time to go for it and before it spirals out of control.

Since I am not in your shoes, I am unable to give you the practical steps you should take. Don't know the whole situation that you outlined.

If you are having suicidal thoughts it is definitely time to go to the emergency department of a hospital. Do you have a psychotherapist and/or psychiatrist you can lean on for professional advice?

My heart goes out to you and I hope you will be okay. I have hit bottom before so I can definitely identify with you.