I can certainly identify with you. Our brains seem to have minds of their own sometimes, pushing and pulling us into places that don't make us happy. I wish I knew why that was. But unfortunately I don't.

The situation you are in is heartbreaking, but sadly I don't know how to help. I've often felt that my brain was in conflict with itself. Once I found myself mourning the loss of someone for 13 years. Part of me wanted one thing and part of me wanted another and the one part won out for 13 years.

Life is so mysterious and not always in a good way. My heart goes out to you. Deepest apologies for not knowing how to be helpful to you. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words. So very, very sorry you are struggling!