I've been very calm this week and at the present have no new turmoil going on in my life.

I'm thinking about my T session tomorrow and the anxiety that I still feel when I sit on the ugly couch. And I am asking myself: Why am I investing a lot of cognitive energy in trying to figure out why I am so unhappy and what makes me do some of the things I do? Does it really matter if I uncover the root of my dysfunction? Do I even have a dysfunction or is my own mind just creating one? I don't know.

I was preparing a presentation on pain (physical pain) and I came across this perspective on the treatment of physical pain. My mind started to apply it to my emotional pain.

According to Cameron, 1999, the goals in pain management are:
1. resolving the underlying pathology causing the pain, if possible,
2. modifying the patient's perception of the discomfort, and
3. maximizing function within the limitations imposed by the source of pain, whether or not the source of pain can be modified by treatment.

I think when I look at the past year I spent a lot of the time in therapy (4 months or so) trying to do number 2. I was insisting that if I had the right attitude, the right mindset my unhappiness would just go away. I would no longer perceive my life as being crappy. I was not successful in achieving significant pain reduction. Mainly because I was not just perceiving that I was in pain or being mistreated; I was in fact being mistreated and being injured. Hence the continuing aggravation of my emotional pain.

In the past several months I've tried to focus my attention on the underlying cause or pathology. For a while I thought it was my H. Which he definitely plays a part in my unhappiness, but there was clearly more to it than just him. It became clear that a lot of my turmoil was self generated. So in therapy and out of therapy I've spend a lot of cognitive energy looking at myself, back in to my past, my behavior in different relationships..... etc. And ...there is a lot of stuff there!... Just like everyone else in this world. I now know a lot more about my self and my tendencies and in someways kind of understand them a little better. But all this digging and looking has created a lot of additional anxiety. In particular, anxiety about being able to openly talk and discuss some of these events and my emerging feelings in therapy.

I guess for me figuring out how to talk about things and feel more comfortable doing it has become like my main goal in therapy lately. I get so frustrated with myself when I stutter, squirm, avoid issues, and talk in circles. And I am wondering today if this is really important? If for some reason I achieve this goal-- I am able to look my therapist in the eye and tell her all of the %#@&#! things that happened in my life, can tell her all of the things that I am incredibly guilty and ashamed of, what does this ultimately get me? Will this relieve me of my suffering? Make life more bearable? Make my H more tolerable? My sex life better? My ability to parent better? Make me a better friend, teacher, professional? I guess I am at the point of...what is all this struggle with feeling and articulating my feelings really going to get me in the end? Presently it seems like it is only perpetuating more anxiety.

In my case I think I may need to move on to third stage of pain management... maximize function within the limitations... mainly because my situation is what it is, my past is what it was. I think therapy may be just adding to my perceived suffering at this point.

Maybe it is time to just stop trying talk about it and live with it.