I engaged in a back and forth communication over email with my ex yesterday, on his birthday of all days. I let out everything that has been building within me over the last few months, all of my negative feelings and thoughts about him. I did not hold back. He wrote one last long email, and I deleted it without reading it. I was done. I didn't reply to it. He is blocked again.

Yes, I regressed by doing this. But in the moment it felt good to tell him what I think of him. I called him the Devil. I said calling him a monster doesn't even come close. Devil is more like it.

I reamed him for trying to take away the 17K he had given me, by threatening me with multiple threats all day long 3 months ago, while I cried on the phone, begging and pleading with him not to take me to court. I told him that was the icing on the cake in terms of his cruelty towards me... he was messing with my ability to even live, to remain in my home, and to keep my cat.

And I reamed him for all the other crap he pulled on me in our marriage for the last 4-5 years.

I told him he will die alone because he doesn't know how to love anyone but himself. I said he doesn't even know what love is, or how to truly love someone. That all he knows is cruelty and abuse. I did not call him a narcissist or any nasty names. I just said it like it is. I told him I pity him and the next woman he gets involved with.

Eventually, I ended it and blocked him again.

Seeing him last Friday really threw me for a loop. Seeing him smile at me made me incredibly angry. He was behaving as though everything is ok, forgotten about and forgiven, when it's not even close to that. I told him this as well.

I guess it was cathartic to let it all out. I felt empowered when I deleted his final email without reading it. I was done listening to his BS excuses for his poor treatment and behavior towards me.

Now he's claiming he had mental issues, but that they are resolved. Uh huh. He says he realized he was addicted to his video game (um, you think????) and that it cut into our time together and also didn't help his anxiety. He claims he stopped playing the game and is so much better now that he left his stressful job for something better.

I love how he is trying to bait me into thinking things would now be better with him, given changes in work circumstances and lifestyle habits. Yeah, right. A leopard's spots do not change! Once a monster, always a monster, I told him.

I am going to have to figure out how to handle the next time I am triggered by seeing him. I do NOT want to initiate communications again with him...

I have to find other ways to deal with my PTSD and triggers. It's going to happen this summer, guaranteed. I have several concerts coming up and he'll likely be at a couple of them. UGH! I hate that we share the same music scene, but I refuse to stop going to the shows I want to see just because of him. It's easy enough to ditch him in a large crowd.

Giving into my emotions only just depletes me whenever I contact him and engage in communications with him.

I need a better strategy! But what? How? How do I handle my PTSD, the racing heart and heart palpitations whenever I see him?