The first thing I thought of when you mentioned relaxation exercises was Jerry Stiller screaming "Serenity Now!!!" on Seinfeld. Believe it or not, I'm not as anxious as I used to be. I would bottle it all up when I was younger until the pressure became too much, which caused... issues. Now I try to appropriately express my irritation (and other emotions) as they come. It's a huge pressure valve! Anything that starts to build, I have mantras I say. Mantras like the Litany Against Fear, my signature.

I think my thoughts and thought processes are the big driver here. When I was dealing with the toxic bosses of yesteryear, my PsychNP described it as double blinds and gave me an RD Laing quote which illustrated it quite well in my opinion.



In other words, every choice I make to achieve a goal is the wrong choice, but I have to make a choice because not choosing is the wrong choice. And when I inevitably fail to reach the goal, the conversation becomes: "All you had to do was choose! Why didn't you choose?"

I am quite literally given no place to stand, as an employee, a son, a freaking person! I zealously guard my independence (on the job and off the job) because when I get interference like that, I hear echoes of all those people only too happy to cast me adrift in their world of "wrong choices."

It can be really hard to divorce myself from that mindset.