My first thought was to wonder if your DH's counselor is the same one my dh talks to...
I accompanied him once, at their request to help her help him, and walked away being blamed for the abuse he had perpetrated. Apparently the problem wasn't his inability to control himself, it was my failure to put down boundaries in that moment...
He only goes to counseling because he broke down so badly that he had no other option (he has mdd, prob midlife crisis, and who knows what else). He's been in counseling for over a year, and the only thing that's changed much is me. My boundaries are greater and tolerance for bad behavior is less.
This may pertain to you, but I've been told that if your SO can't or won't show you consistent empathy and respect outside of the counseling session, don't go. The counselor will see what happens in the office and not what happens in real life- and you will get the short end of the stick. Wanting to have an open marriage at the expense of your wife who's the mother of your children doesn't seem very empathetic or respectful.
Anyhow, I think you are doing the right thing to quietly get your ducks in a row, and since you're already at that point, don't feel bad if you decide to hold his feet to the fire and use very strong boundaries.
There are things you wrote about your dh that feel like echos of mine. In the last couple of years. I've come to understand him to be very passive aggressive. This can largely fly under the radar as incompetence or laziness among other things, and counselors will almost never see it. It's the cleverest way to get your way because it's almost impossible to call someone out on it.
Sometimes passive aggressive people will want a divorce, but don't want to be the one who initiates it- if they do, they will be the bad guy, and can no longer play the victim. Instead they do anything in their power to covertly push the other person to initiate it. Could it be possible that your DH's desire to have an open marriage might actually be him trying to force your hand? So he doesn't have to do it?
My dh has done things like that, where I suspect he is trying to manipulate me into doing something so that he can remain untarnished in other's eyes. His covert behaviors and inability to care for my feelings have heavily damaged our marriage. It's taken me a long time to build up confidence and boundaries with him, but once that happened, he often backpedals wildly after making demands or "suggestions " that don't pan out as he expected.
No real advice. It sounds like you already know what you will and won't tolerate and are prioritizing yourself and your kids.
