Thanks for the note CedarS ... I appreciate your recommending the book. I can sometimes write about Vn, but even short magazine articles trigger me with panic and tears. I wonder if the book would be helpful or more torture. What are your thoughts about this, since you've read it?

There are a few incidents like the one I described that really make me question who I am. I've always thought that I would not be one who let the evil ppl get away with their misdeeds. Over the years, I've been in more trouble than you can imagine because I called bosses on their wrong doings or turned ppl in for crimes.

Even in combat I was in serious trouble several times for not letting things get swept under the rug. After I returned from Vn I made an effort to get this colonel prosecuted for this incident and others, but that didn't work out.

Deep inside, though, I feel like I was part of the evil doing since the incident was never properly investigated. Sure, it might have happened just the way I was told, but if it was, why was I kept in the deep jungle where I couldn't do anything about it. My whole unit suffered because the colonel didn't want us near anyone of authority who might reopen this incident.

There was another incident later on where another soldier did something terrible to the corpse of an enemy soldier. The soldier wasn't in my unit, but word got around. When i was told one day to meet with the next higher boss, I mentioned that he might ask me questions that would reveal things in our territory. I was ordered to meet with him anyway and keep my mouth shut.

I did and I didn't ... I met with him, but I didn't keep my mouth shut, and Wham! ... life was very unpleasant after that as well. As far as I know, nothing was ever done to the soldier who did wrong, only to the whistle blower and his unit.

So...why should I feel like a creep? What gives me this complex? I want to stick up for the military and deflect criticism from those who don't understand the confusion and mist of combat. I know that almost every soldier is honorable and doing the best he can. But then I remember those ppl I ran into who damaged my character by preventing me from doing the right thing. And I know that some of the criticism could be well founded.

Years of doing the harder right instead of the easier wrong, and these things nag at me saying ... you're a fake. You didn't do the harder right. You caved in you creep.

Telling this kind of stuff makes me feel the way I imagine POW's feel when they reveal things about their units.