I've been modding games ever since I realized that I could change the rules to Civilization 2 in a basic text file. For Final Fantasy VI in particular, that has been in development for over a decade now, although I've finally stepped back and said I'm done with it for awhile. It's rewarding, but the obsession can get to me after too long and start stressing me out.

It's actually a pretty good question now that I think about it, are people with anxiety issues more prone to addictive and/or obsessive behavior? I had myself pegged as obsessive compulsive for most of my early life, especially when I read more into it and understood that the basic problem is a communication error between your brain and body where the brain never gets feedback that the requested task has been completed, leading to an endless loop.

I tried to channel that tendency into something positive with things that I create. The perfectionism means that I make things that are highly polished, but it also means I have a very hard time not screwing with it once it's done. Playing Zelda has been all of the positives of that obsessive behavior - I've been at it for two solid weeks straight - but none of the downsides of feeling like I'm working on something that will never get finished. And in a roundabout way, I think a lot of anxiety comes down to feeling "stuck".

I do very much enjoy my job, as well. Been doing it for 15 years and honestly couldn't go back to any other job at this point

It's interesting that you say distracting myself isn't effective because it gives credibility to my brain for the fears because that's the way I feel when I take medicine to combat it or engage with grounding techniques - I feel like I'm acknowledging it and that makes it real. My therapist gave me a list of affirmations just before she had to step away for a medical emergency, but I'm not exactly sure that's what you would call a CBT technique. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what my mental response to anxiety is (hence the earlier question of if the physicals sensation or the thoughts come first) since CBT is, to my understanding, about directly addressing that response.

And I haven't dealt with much anxiety lately because I haven't been putting myself in situations that will cause it, i.e. going out. Something that occurred to me that part of my anxieties about going out boil down to the fact that I never go out anymore because I want to, only because I have to. And I find that often that resentment of having to go out and do something rather than staying home like I want puts me in the mindset that makes me susceptible to panic attacks since it's all I can focus on.

So, playing Zelda has been a lot more to me lately than just experiencing something new, it's me engaging in some years-neglected self care. I do understand (and, to an extent, dread) that exposure will be a critical factor in conquring my anxieties. But when it happens, I want it to be because I initiated it, not because it was something I had to do.

I definitely understand what you mean by boundaries - my girlfriend has a very hard time with them, as well. Communication is a bigger issue, as well. She has a lot of difficulty telling me what she needs from me, and of course I can't give her what she needs if I don't know what it is. But I also have a tendency to put myself out more than I should trying to be there for her... including going out a lot more than I'd prefer to. Part of the above-mentioned self care is not over-extending myself as much in that regard, sort of like what you've been doing. It's hard sometimes, but like you say we're no good to anyone if we're not good ourselves.

Thank you so much for talking to me and sharing your experiences with not only your anxieties, but handling a relationship with someone with their own problems. It feels sometimes like talking to you helps me put my thoughts together even moreso than with my therapist. It's really helping me along and I appreciate it a lot. I hope your week has been going well!

(Oh, and my avatar is the cover of Iron Maiden's Powerslave album. I'm a pretty huge fan, and my FF6 mod is even named after another one of their albums.)