Oh my gosh, my dh's line to end any discussion was always, "If I'm such a bad person, why are you still here?" Sounds similar, huh? It kills any discussion and then things never get resolved. They think they are being smart, but it's not just a conversation killer, it's a relationship killer too. Nothing ever gets resolved

I have no doubt that my dh is depressed, but also no doubts that he uses that, other medical issues, and anything else that's convenient as a manipulative tool. Even depressed people have to be accountable for their actions. We don't have to be mean to them in order to hold our ground or have reasonable expectations.

If you think he might be passive aggressive, I can post a couple of book titles that were particularly helpful to me.

A word of warning though, IF he is passive aggressive, regular boundary books can be a trap. Normal boundaries are set between people who have respect for each other. Openly setting a boundary with a passive aggressive person can essentially be like telling them how to upset you. I've run into this with dh- if I tell him something he does hurts my feelings, he may act contrite in the moment and then doubles down on the behavior shortly. Boundaries may need to be a little different at times with a PA person- sometimes it's realizing they are doing it on purpose, and actively ignoring it (so they dont get the feedback they crave).

I feel so badly for you that you were also put in that situation where a therapist may have done more harm than good. But don't feel too badly for me, she probably did me a huge favor. Had I not been so disgusted by the experience, I probably would have agreed to go to counseling. She likely ultimately saved me hours of time and a lot of headaches...

Hugs to you. Take your time to do what you need to do and don't let him or anyone else pressure you into doing something that isn't right for you.