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ShylaA0404
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Member Since Jun 2023
Location: Atlana
Posts: 54
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Default Jul 01, 2023 at 02:05 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 View Post
Oh my gosh, my dh's line to end any discussion was always, "If I'm such a bad person, why are you still here?" Sounds similar, huh? It kills any discussion and then things never get resolved. They think they are being smart, but it's not just a conversation killer, it's a relationship killer too. Nothing ever gets resolved

I have no doubt that my dh is depressed, but also no doubts that he uses that, other medical issues, and anything else that's convenient as a manipulative tool. Even depressed people have to be accountable for their actions. We don't have to be mean to them in order to hold our ground or have reasonable expectations.

If you think he might be passive aggressive, I can post a couple of book titles that were particularly helpful to me.

A word of warning though, IF he is passive aggressive, regular boundary books can be a trap. Normal boundaries are set between people who have respect for each other. Openly setting a boundary with a passive aggressive person can essentially be like telling them how to upset you. I've run into this with dh- if I tell him something he does hurts my feelings, he may act contrite in the moment and then doubles down on the behavior shortly. Boundaries may need to be a little different at times with a PA person- sometimes it's realizing they are doing it on purpose, and actively ignoring it (so they dont get the feedback they crave).

I feel so badly for you that you were also put in that situation where a therapist may have done more harm than good. But don't feel too badly for me, she probably did me a huge favor. Had I not been so disgusted by the experience, I probably would have agreed to go to counseling. She likely ultimately saved me hours of time and a lot of headaches...

Hugs to you. Take your time to do what you need to do and don't let him or anyone else pressure you into doing something that isn't right for you.

You are exactly right. And it does kill every conversation. Honestly, when we discuss things and I get upset, my H tells me that my emotions effect his too much and it makes him suicidal to see me that upset. I feel like that's pretty manipulative even if it is true, but who knows.


I'd love some books suggestions. I am sort of stuck in no man's land. So I am trying to work on what I can control and stay in the present. My H tells me things like if he doesn't get out and go start seeing other women now, it is eating him alive and he can't go on. Not quite sure what to do with that. Also, his two therapists certainly are not behind this mid-life crisis part of his depression. In any event, its weird because it is like he wants my permission to do so. I think all I can tell him is I can't control what he does, but I also can't promise him that our marriage will still be available from my end if he wants to come back after his venture into single man land. In reality, I probably would do a lot to save our marriage, especially because passing our kids back and forth is unbearable to me. Also, the reality is I love him and I want to stay married. And, I definitely have some blame also in how we got here.


Do you have any specific advice on this situation? It seems like our husbands are very similar so I would love to hear it if you do and definitely send any books my way.


Thank you!
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