Shyla,

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, it's ridiculous IMO.

Let me just say that if your dh is PA, then you probably have so much more power than you realize. It took me a long time to see this with my dh, but once I did, it was a game changer. The problem is that using your power is scary because it might invite an action that you don't want, so you have to decide what right for YOU, where YOUR tolerances are.

Think about this though (as was told to me at one point). People who want a divorce or want to have an affair don't ask permission. He's doing this either for manipulation, or to put the ball in your court so that you can shoulder his responsibility. He goes and has an affair and the marriage falls apart? Hey, you authorized it.

Here's a power sentence. A complete one:

No.

My dh can be a master manipulator and every conversation can be twisted to where I don't know which end is up. What works for me is to stay completely in that moment (not the bigger picture) and address nothing more than that. I stay in my swim lane and put him back into his as needed. For example, if you're trying to have a conversation about an issue and he goes to a manipulative I'm-feeling-suicidal place, rather than back down, you can call him on it- but only if you feel confident enough to do it, and that it's safe to do so. Stop the other conversation and ask him if he needs you to call help for him or take him to the emergency room - ball back in his court. If he says no, ask him if you can continue talking about xyx. If he says no, acknowledge that and walk away- now he's just ended the conversation. Put the issue back in his lane and make him responsible for what's going on. It's really hard, because sometimes we've gotten past the point of being able to see it when it's happening . Took me a lot of practice.

I'm a terrible person to give advice on this. I've learned a lot about taking care of myself and not taking responsibility for things that are his, but my marriage is not a very functional place. I'm still here for a variety of messy reasons, but dh is checked out and not contributing in many ways, so it's not much of a marriage. At this point, if the good guy I remember showed up tomorrow, it still would never be the same- it's like when a pet bites you and you can never quite be as relaxed around them, never quite trust them the same. Too much water under the bridge.

I'll probably post a bit more to you in a while, but think about what you want, what you'll tolerate, and how much power you do have over the situation- it may be more than you realize.