I'm glad if some of this is helpful to you. I've really enjoyed it too. You've helped me gain new perspectives as well.

That's interesting about ocd and the feedback loop. That's new to me and makes a lot of sense. Here's a million dollar question that Dr. Weekes poses:

Does the obsession actually bother you or interfere negatively with your life?

It sounds like you know where your limit is and when to step back.

Dr. Weekes theorized that if you washed your hands 200 times a day, and it didn't interfere with your life, didn't cause intrusive thoughts, (or your skin to fall off), then it wasn't a problem. It's only a problem when it presents negative ramifications for you.

It struck me that your game modding may be a bit like my hobby-craft of writing. That can definitely fall into obsession, but it doesn't have negatives as far as I'm concerned, so I embrace it fully. It's not unusual for me to write fifty pages and go over it uncountable times to polish it out. To me, honing it is akin to someone finishing a piece of fine furniture- it's pretty clear if they stopped short, and beautiful if they didn't. If you want to master your craft, you have to aim for mastery. It doesn't interfere with any aspects of life, everything that needs to be done gets done, and it doesn't affect my mental state negatively (if anything it improves it). BUT, like you indicated with what you do, there's a limit. It's kind of like the scene in Forrest Gump when he's been running for a couple of years, stops in the middle of the road and says he's done and going home. When the meter's pegged out, I quit without reservations, sometimes for a long time.

And that's not to say that there aren't ideas floating around in my head every hour of every day. It's finding that balance of living in both worlds. Sometimes, I do have to mindfully focus in on what's going on around me, rather than what's in the noggin. (This is typical of my personality type- more on that in a bit)

To me anyway, the way you try to perfect what you do makes a lot of sense, especially since you share it with the world.

It's great to hear that you enjoy your job. I love meeting people who like what they do.

Those things you described that make the anxiety feel real- if you sit with those feelings, do they lessen? Do they feel worse when you acknowledge the reality? Or better?

How are the meds so far?

The type of unfounded credibility I was thinking of was stuff that might seem silly to typical people. There were a lot of irrational fears with my anxiety. Some seemed very scary and real at the time. Here's a pretend example- keeping it light: Say someone has a fear of ladybugs. As a result, they may not go outside, go check the mail, clean out cabinets, go to the park, etc. for fear of encountering dreaded ladybugs. By mentally responding to a what-if that may never even come up, their brain decides it must really be a problem, and gives it credibility. That's where exposure therapy works- go sit at the park for an hour and realize there aren't even any ladybugs there. And if there are, they aren't really all that scary or something that can't be handled.

Forgive me if I get this wrong, but you talk about your preferences, and the things you need and want, as if they may not be what you should be doing. It seems like you feel pressure to do certain things, even if they don't presently suit you.

We live in a world that loves certain personality types, so those of us (most of us) who have different preferences can feel a little flawed, even though we aren't. Have you ever taken a personality test? There's a really good, free one at 16personalities. com, if you're interested. Learning about personality type helped me realize that the way I function and my preferences aren't just fine, they're inherent. It can be validating.

I'm an unusual personality type (and probably a lot of people on the forums are the same one ), that's known as the extrovert of introverts. We love people, will talk to anyone and everyone about anything and everything, but have a strict limit and when we're done socializing, we're done- probably for at least a week. Then we go introverted to charge our batteries. Unfortunately, this is confusing for other people who saw us having fun and enjoyed our company. Now they don't understand why we don't want to go out with them the next day… they think something's wrong… but it isn't, it's a personal need. Without understanding that personality need, it's easy to inadvertently harm ourselves by trying to make others happy in ways we can't afford. Understanding personality dynamics helps manage preferences and relationships more effectively- and more importantly to accept ourselves for things that aren't actually flaws or problems at all.

A few posts back, you said something about adult responsibilities and feeling overwhelmed at times. One of the huge things that codependency work taught me is that when you only tend to your own responsibilities, life usually gets much easier. It's when you're trying to fix things that aren't your responsibility that you get overwhelmed- because you probably aren't going to be very effective at fixing it, or it's none of your business anyway.

My dh is similar to your gf in that he doesn't always know, or isn't able to express himself well. He also has passive aggressive patterns, so it's hard to get a bead on when he's having an actual big problem, and when he's being manipulative. There are some days that he doesn't talk and who knows if he's depressed and shut down, or giving us the silent treatment as emotional manipulation? I don't try to figure this out anymore, it's too taxing on time and energy. I ask him if he's okay, or if he needs anything. If he doesn't know what it is he needs, it's still his responsibility to say that he needs something but isn't sure what. It's not my responsibility to guess or drag it out of him. I also won't let him monologue and obsess at me for an hour or more. Boundaries and limits are based on our own tolerances, and not only are we allowed to have them, but need them in order to be healthy.

Oh geez, this is another one that got way too long .

D'oh! I probably should have had some idea about your avatar . Though not a devoted fan, I once performed a rendition of Run To The Hills that critics hailed as "something we'd prefer to never hear again." But seriously, I'm usually watching a couple of anime or animated series at any given time, and am currently rewatching Star Wars Rebels. Your avatar image is a little reminiscent of Zeb Orrelios, particularly when his eyes are shadowed. Perhaps Zeb was inspired by that cover.

How's Zels by the way?

Well, until next time…

Hang in there!