Hi again.

Just to clarify, the pushback and accountability I posted about is something I only do when his behavior seems predominantly PA, manipulative, agro, etc. When he seems like he's in a scarier, deeper depression, he's quiet and tired. When he's like that, there's no need for push back and it's easier to be gentle with him. Not saying this is a standard thing, just the pattern around here.

Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter both have a lot of good videos on YouTube about passive aggressive/ covert narcissist. That might be a place for you to start and see if anything feels relatable to you.

In that same vein, there's a book titled The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist that I wish I'd found earlier. You can do the "look inside" thing at Amazon to see if it might resonate.

The best book I've come across to address passive aggressive behavior (not necessarily based on personality disorders) is The Angry Smile. These people literally wrote the book on passive aggression. I'd done a lot of research prior to coming across this one, and still felt very confused. This one cleared up everything- from what causes it, to how to spot it, to how to deal with it.

Not sure if this might help you, but Codependent No More has been invaluable to me. It taught me to start taking care of myself and stop taking responsibility for others. This is another one you can look inside at Amazon and see if it might be of some use. Without this, I would probably have never been brave enough to start holding my own against him.

Hope everything is going okay for you today and that your dh is behaving okay.