Maybe the forums realize that this is extremely hard for me because of my past patterns. Me (and my family) are very skilled at disowning people. I didn't grow up with my extended family because of it. I have disowned/ended relationships for much lesser things. I'm not very good at keeping relationships because I just don't understand them. I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid of being hurt, or worse, abandoned.

I'm try so ****ing hard here to work through this with L. I'm trying to hold onto her, see her for all her multitudes. To see her as a messy human in this complicated life like we all are. I do not expect perfection, no! I had an expectation that was communicated to her and was not corrected or followed through with. That is a hurt.

L has validated that my pain is real and understandable. J, the same. I don't think my feelings are out of proportion and neither do they. What would be wrong, and I'm doing my best to see this, is throwing away a beautiful relationship over something that was no malicious or intended to hurt me. I think what Artley said about that rang really true to me.

I am trying...