Lol, I've got books hidden all over the place . Some of them have fabric slipcovers on them to conceal them a bit.

I hope you're doing okay today.

It can be a very lonely place. I hope this makes you feel a little less alone.

I read Codependent No More openly in front of dh and let him know that this is a problem I have, and the reason why I can no longer put his needs ahead of my own. "Sorry, my codependency work doesn't allow it." Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jerk about it, but don't hide it either.

It's easier now that DD is older, sees what's going on, and won't be part of a custody issue. After he started acting really bad, when she was about 12, I cowtowed more than I would have liked because I was worried he and his family might take her. Nobody would believe me about how he was behaving.

I went through the same thing about trip planning! He was never happy no matter what. Notice the pattern? You do all the work and he gets to be unhappy no matter what? I stopped suggesting trips and then suggested he plan a day trip somewhere for us. Instead of taking it seriously, and suggesting we go to the zoo or aquarium or something, he started talking about going halfway across country. He wasn't even taking it seriously, just distracting and being difficult.

I've been debating telling you about the situation that came up here a while back, maybe it would help you. Very long story short, one of his go tos is to threaten divorce every few months (this is common in borderline personality). I had gotten to a point where I was getting very sick of it, and he was getting much worse. On this particular occasion, I calmly asked him three times if he was serious. He said he was. Instead of groveling and crying, like he probably expected, I walked out of the room and called to DD that we were going to Home Depot to get moving boxes. He freaked out and started backpedalling. The shameful part of the story is that I allowed myself to get baited into some reactive abuse after that.

The next day, he came to me. I think he was trying to feel like he was in control again, and he told me how it would be if and when he left me. He was going to go live the life of his dreams and do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and I was going to stay here, raise DD, and nothing else was to change for me. Nevermind how financially unrealistic it was. But this is where I hit my limit and when I did, things changed a lot. He doesn't push me quite as overtly as he used to, but he still tries to get his covert licks in. Anyhow, I said very calmly and sternly to him. "if you choose to leave this marriage, I'm not going to stay here like a piece of furniture in storage and raise our daughter. If you choose to leave this marriage, I'm taking my daughter, moving, and getting on with my life."

That was the mother of all boundaries and it scared him. And I meant it. And he realized it. It helps that DD is as old as she is, and I get where the problems with having younger kids can lie. But he needed to take me seriously, and he did. Things aren't necessarily much better, but he knows he can't walk all over me like he used to. So in a sense, they are better for me. But I also have to be ready to accept that he may choose to cross the line and then we'll live with the consequences, but that I have limits he can't cross has been made crystal clear.

His reaction in both instances, though, was that of someone who was being manipulative and pushing the envelope. I called his bluff and both times he got scared and backed down.

Where it goes from here, who knows? My overall situation is a lot more complicated than just what's posted here, otherwise it probably makes no sense why I'm still here.

I gotta wrap this one up. He's been unhappy for a few weeks now, and was baiting me a little earlier because of something I apparently did wrong with the car. No worries, we'll see how I handle this one.

Hang in there.