Good hike =] All of my energy is expended..

An hour before the hike, I started moving - Spiritually, learning about geometric shapes that I can moved my arms/hands etc...

I want to be a shaman...

I'm grateful for my life now, but quite alone. My mom has settled down now, but I feel like she's not happy. She's a slave to her boss... Almost 60. And it seems like she has to work until she's dead...

Her cancer didn't show up again, but one day it could. And she has multiple heart conditions. I try not to think about death, and the future of my own family life much.. I used to cry about my parents dying (Before they both had cancer). And now they're much older..

I'd like a change to happen in life, but not like that.. I'm just sitting here, one of the best lives that anyone can possibly have.. I just wish I had friends IRL. We'll be moving to the island one day (Closer to family);

And that's really when my life will begin.. It started in Ireland, then in the prairies (If I moved here at age 15? I would have had hope - But I felt like I was above everything.. In the middle of no where.. I wanted things to have meaning, even for an atheist, I lost hope).

My life, it couldn't have turned out any better.. My mind/mental health is okay now, I'm more aware.. Much much more aware (Cuz I wanted to make up for all that I've lost, and the pain/suffering/trauma that I went through). There have been really good parts.. I just remember (During a party), talking to people.. People like me when I just have a normal conversation, relaxing.. Smoking weed/drinking or something...

And the psych ward.. Holy ****.. That was so messed up, what crazy crazy dream.. I was in a psychedelic afterglow during all those months.. When I got home, my mom prepared my life for me again.. I just a kid though, alone..

The trip helped mainly.. I needed to see that good fabrics of reality.. In catholic school (In Ireland?), I was compressed, made to obey - Would even get in trouble for being innocent.. I was silly, full of life and wonder, curious. The curiosity turned to psychoactive chemicals.. And I shut down from fear. My ex step dad took over - Very easy to manipulate, vulnerable.. from having my family destroyed. In the end.. Trauma, the fighting - My mom would wear a turtle neck to not show bruises.. I did punch my ex step dad in the face. I didn't feel the punch (Cuz of adrenaline).

And it all didn't work, at least before I gave up hope, many times. And the schiz? I don't think it's really that.. Or at least I was just paranoid, from threat - Threat everywhere.. Dopaminergic stimulants, Abilify. I loved those stimulants.. 50 different psychoactive chemicals, in the basement, alone - For years.. Who could have been that honest, wise, heroic person that I needed - It was my dad. But he was away, working. He was also experiencing a crazy life of his own.. I'm not mad.. Just the way my mom reacts to him/got mad, I didn't understand.

And now, enough about me.. The world, I know something about.. And the gender thing (Roles of women/men in society), the decay.. It happens like that - It worked out perfectly, perfectly wrong. We had it good. But now, there's really something to be paranoid about, or to have any mental illness.. The drugs too, funnelling of money to the rich.. It's what it's all about..

And people turn to religion for once, back to hundreds of years ago.. The conspiracies? They're pretty accurate (Not 100%), and people just echo madness.. There's more to all of this.. We're in outer space.. We're circling around a star.. So look at the stars.. And see the infinite dimensions that we are molding with, every second, every pixel/quantum particle..

People just try to figure it out, and need to meditate.. Why do people find that hard to do (Including myself) - We're all just creatures, divine, gathering the nuts, and putting them in a hole for the winter (Death) - Some just **** around.. People want to have fun, or relax.. Cold and hot - The vacuum of space, and friction/radioactive energy, shooting out of all matter that exists..

But what is real.. I am here now, could be God (But I don't accept that - If there's connection/love, then that's not it). If I'm traumatized, in DPDR, sure.. I'm a philosophical, wounded squirrel.