My longtime love and companion died 3 years ago. The first few months were so awful that I wanted to die. But I was not without hope. I believed I would recover from the awfulness of grief, and I did. A year after I had lost him, I was able to look at pictures of him and smile. I got through the holidays pretty well. Even the first two Christmases were okay.

It's three and a half years now, and I'm not okay. I was not okay this past Christmas. Some of the family support had gone away. Today is a holiday, and I'm not okay.

This morning I was dreaming about him. I was trying to find him, but I couldn't. I was at a hospital, going from floor to floor, looking for him. But I couldn't find him. I was so worried about him. I thought that he must be wondering where I am. I just couldn't find him. Then I woke up.

My problem is that I stay home by myself way too much. I know I should go get involved in something. When I am with others, I do feel okay. But that's not very often. I avoid others, even my neighbors. I was always socially phobic. But I used to fight it. I used to make myself go out. I used to volunteer. Now I don't want to do anything. Most of all, I don't want to be around people. At the same time, I don't want to be alone so much.

I'm getting worried that I'm not going to find a way out of this isolation. Yet I realize I'm not even trying. I just have no faith that I will make any meaningful connections to other people. I think about suicide. Mainly I just want to not feel so awful. I wish I could take some drugs that would make me feel good. Psych drugs don't help. I tried plenty of them. I don't enjoy drinking, except one glass of wine with dinner. I feel like there's no escape. My only consolation is remembering that I won't live forever. Eventually this will all be over with. Until then, all I want to do is sleep. I'm spending half the day in bed, day after day.