I have to say, this is all very helpful because I am coming to some interesting realizations, a lot of this behavior for my H is medical related, i.e. heart attack if he doesn't leave, suicidal if I am upset. There's also another thing he uses where over the past year exactly he's had several serious allergic reactions and other autoimmune type issues. So last summer we ended up in the ER with his lips/tongue swollen and since then he's had some significant episodes of tongue swelling, cheek swelling, eye swelling and the like. He also had this really severe case of pink eye that lasted several week and he is still on eye drops for over a month later. He did end up going to the allergist once but she couldn't find any specific cause, and he missed his other appointment for blood work after that and the follow up appointment. He also refuses to go see his GP. As you might imagine, he now blames the "stress" that being married to me is causing for all of these things. In a recent conversation he said to me that he's had more health issues over the past year then he has had in his life, and while he is careful not to say that I am the cause, he does certainly say that the stress he is under because he is so unhappy in his marriage to me is the cause. I realized how PA, or manipulative this is only yesterday. We were outside and had some people over to swim and then he ate something and part of his hand started to swell (thankfully it responded to benadryl like his reactions usually do) but I found myself getting really anxious that he was going to blame this "stress" and me for all this. And of course while he didn't say it directly he was so annoyed that this was happening to him and of course it was my fault.


It is only after thinking all of this through and going through this with you that I realize how wrong this behavior is. It is as if he isn't in control of his own life and being here with me and the kids is making him so sick he must leave. It is really unfortunate that I ever viewed this in a way where it could be MY fault. Especially since he refuses to go back to the doctor.


It is interesting that also with your DH that behavior changed somewhat suddenly. I didn't realize it at the time but if I go back and think at our interactions or see emails from a few years ago I am really surprised by how different he is. My H has a very difficult relationship with his parents that sort of put him behind from the start but the mid-life crisis/major depressive disorder definitely could be the culprit here too. Your DD is totally on point about the tantrums. I definitely need to be having these strong boundaries moving forward whether we stay together or not. I used to joke that life with my H was "never boring" as a good thing, and true it is still never boring but in quite the opposite way. Who knows what today will bring...I find myself nervous to start interacting with him for the day. He tends to sleep very late and be most hard to deal with in the morning so I mostly try to stay out of his way. It is times like these that I'm sorry I work from home, I missing having an office I could escape to!