Yes! You seem to be seeing these things very quickly!

It's crazy how easy it is to fall into this kind of pattern, and common too. It's magical once you remember where you end and they begin - and stop taking responsibility and blame for their stuff.

With my dh and others like him, there seems to be this pattern of external blame, rather than internal adjustment. Maybe you said something along those lines? With mine, whatever is upsetting him could be fixed by something external changing - a coworker being less incompetent, the government to work a certain way, the neighbor to mow his lawn differently... The correction is rarely in him having to adjust, compromise, and adapt.

I probably sound very hard nosed throughout this thread, but much of this is where we go when he pushes an issue. What DD said is really a lot like the positive reinforcement you use with kids. Reward the good, ignore the bad, but sometimes you have to stand your ground. As long as he's being generally respectful, there's no problem. He's got so many issues, that he can't seem to hold up his end of a good marriage at this point, but it's not unreasonable for me to expect to be treated with dignity and respect. And I'm very compassionate towards his problems when he's not trying to fling blame around or be manipulative.

I also have those moments of dread, and feel like I'm walking on eggshells, wondering what he going to try next. With PA behaviors, it's pretty common for them to mentally regroup and then come at you stronger than before. If he does that, be prepared and don't let him rattle you.

It's so great that you seem to be feeling more empowered. You're his wife, not some side-chick, and it's reasonable to expect to be treated that way.

Hang in there