It's nice to hear that this has helped you. I spent a number of years trying to understand what was going on, and doing things that probably made matters worse. When I finally honed in on passive aggression, it was very hard to understand, and a lot of the information that's out there isn't very good. In that Angry Smile book, they talk about how everybody knows what PA is, but it's hard to define and nearly impossible to prove. There are things dh does that I feel fairly confident he does on purpose to cause problems, but if I told anyone, they would think I was paranoid. Dealing with a PA person can be a lonely and draining place.

You did something very smart! When you told him you were tired and that you would talk another time, that may have been one of the best things you could have done. Talk to him on your time, not his. When he gears up to talk to you, there's a chance that he's wound up and raring to go in a potentially negative direction. If you postpone, even for just a short time, it may interupt his flow and make for a less agro conversation later. This could be a healthy boundary for you, because it's meeting a need for you without denying anything to him. The conversation isn't shut down, it's just postponed. Sometimes with my dh, if he's getting on a roll, I'll take a bathroom break- even five minutes can interupt his flow enough to make for a calmer conversation.

Mine's been pretty mellow this week. He's got some medical tests coming up next week, so that seems to be stressing him out and causing him to shut down a bit.

Hang in there, you are doing so well dealing with him, and more importantly taking care of yourself.