I'ld say I like more solitude than most people do. I can also tolerate enforced aloneness better than the average person. But I'm human, and I like to be with other people. I've always been alone more than I wanted to be.

I think we get disenchanted with venturing past our front door, after years of failure to cultivate nice friendships. The people I find who are easiest to get involved with are often needy persons looking to glom on to someone. Recently, someone I met at work 20 years ago and became friendly with started calling me. She moves in and out of town frequently. She takes a job in another state, becomes unhappy, moves back, and repeats the cycle. This time, when she came back, she dropped in on her brother. He put her up for a while, but then told her to find a place and get out. That's when she started calling me. At first, she talked about wanting us to meet for lunch. I thought that would be nice. Soon she was asking me how many bedrooms I had and did I need any help with chores around my place. (It's just a one bedroom apt.) She was in a temporary, short-term, housing situation that was costing her a lot, and she hated the place. I was afraid that, if I had her over, she might not want to leave. Her goal is to not have to live alone. She gets too lonely. She's had three husbands. She gets various relatives to host her for awhile. I think it's called "couch surfing." Recently she lived with a niece. These arrangements don't last, and she's on the road again. Last week she called her son in a neighboring state to ask if she could rent an unused part of his large house. Her request was declined. I'm kind of sorry for her, but she creates her own misery by not living in a more stable fashion. Her income is bigger than mine. 3 years ago she was in what I thought was a nice apt. She decided it had some bizarre mold problem and moved out. I was there a few times and saw nothing wrong with the place. She finds fault anywhere she goes. Always the grass looks greener elsewhere. Since I'm not inviting her to stay with me, she phones me, and wants to keep me on the phone forever. She does 95% of the talking - usually about how mistreated she's been all her life.

I was alone on 4rth of July, and felt bad. I thought I could have invited her over for a meal. Then we could have driven somewhere with a view of the city fireworks. I told myself that maybe I was foolish to not make the best of some companionship that was available. But I didn't. It might have been better for me to have any company, rather than none. The idea just didn't appeal to me.

I know I need to explore what goes on in my city. There's plenty of stuff that does. I know what I need to do. It's hard to have any faith that I won't feel not really wanted wherever I go. I've always felt that way. With the visit to family not going well, something in me crumbled.

I have to uncrumble myself somehow. I keep breaking down sobbing just from expressing these feelings. It makes me almost wish I was dead. If I take a shower, get dressed and start tidying up my place, I possibly could start to feel better. I don't even know what day of the week today is. That's how cut off I've been for days . . . no one to talk to. Never heard back from my sister. Don't think I will. That shouldn't matter so much. I need to build connections here where I live.