Why do you need your wife's permission to buy clothes for your bio kids?? Does she ask you for permission to buy clothes for her kids?! This is very controlling.

AND your wife forbidding you having your son in YOUR own house? That is ridiculous.

Very controlling behaviour from what you write here. She needs to learn that your needs are also important (e.g. to stay over for the funeral, to have your own child in your own place... to buy your own kids clothes or whatever)

Frankly, I would tell her I am choosing my own kid over her. There is a need to set firm boundaries with her, rather than always giving in to her and/or reassuring her of your love.