he's probably happy to be back, and he's putting himself out there on social media, and people are starting to contact me about it.
ive been feeling jealous almost imagining him out and about living his best life, and i feel like ive been working so incredibly hard trying to repair and helping my kids repair from the chaos we went through living with him in his hard times.
i dont know what happens now.
its almost impossible not to think about it.
i find myself thinking about changing things somehow, evaluating, and recentering, all within minutes, several times a day. its like having him here in town again is kicking up settled dust, it can't be helped, the dust is there either way.

i remember his big personality, his attention getting behavior. in ways i liked it, and its what i'm imagining and feeling a bit jealous about. but then i remember how he was consistently picking at something, finding fault, feeling slighted, being angry, being selfish, being mean, being immature, and i cant deal with that. i could never be in love with him again.

all there is him being the father to our kids. and the kids don't want to deal with him so there is nothing there to enjoy.