Well, he hasn't written back. I forgot to mention: he blocked me on his cell phone for the first time too. First time ever, since we separated last October. Ouch.

In our last last email exchange two weeks ago on his birthday, I had confronted him with my perspective of him. I told him that he has all his friends fooled into thinking he's some kind of a great guy, but that I know the reality and real truth of him. I told him that he is the devil and a wolf in sheep's clothing. And that the nice guy routine is just a facade he puts on.

His response to that? You've got me all wrong, and I disagree with you, he said. He claims he had "mental issues" that caused him to behave certain ways. Uh huh. Mental issues? How about a personality disorder and how about the fact that you are just outright abusive???

So, of course, he gaslights me all over again. This is why I cannot communicate with him. He tries to dismantle my reality and perspective. He tells me I'm wrong. Of course, how I experienced him for nearly five years doesn't have any merit or weight, in his perspective. My reality is not correct, according to him. And that is gaslighting, which is an abuse tactic.

I have got to find a way to stop myself from wanting to reach out to him ever again, even in my loneliest and most painful moments.

I do have a few close girlfriends I can call. And I have my mom I can talk to in these moments.

I think I've forgiven myself for reaching out to him again at this point, a day later. I've beaten myself up about it enough. A couple of girlfriends told me that it's reasonable that I would want to let him know that I am OK now that I finally have a job. He has told me several times that he has been praying to God for me to find a job and be employed again. He knows how stressed I've been over being able to make ends meet, let alone, being able to stay in my home. Though I bet that's a lie too. I bet he never ACTUALLY prayed for me... he is only truly concerned with himself, after all, and no one else. He loves only himself, as a true narcissist does.

I think if I just keep him blocked and don't reply to any other messages that come from him down the road, I should be OK. That is, IF he decides to try and reach out to me again. He may not. He did block me, finally, so perhaps this is a message that he is now done. Or it's simply retaliatory because I confronted him with the TRUTH. Narcissists seek revenge when you stand up to them and confront them with who they really are.