Therapy has shown me that I really hate external validation/criticism.

And it's because, I've had so many people, especially family, use these as manipulation, control, or other malicious, dishonest reasons. They were used as emotional psychological weapons that hurt pretty badly.

Growing up I had to pretend like I didn't care about being praised or criticized because it helped stop the manipulation, emotional abuse, anger outbursts, and other problems triggered by my reactions to these things. No reaction meant no problems, no pain.

Even today I still do this, acting like none of it is important just to protect myself. I honestly can't even stand good criticism that is actually helpful. I can't stand a simple compliment. It all feels like lies, manipulation, problems that I must protect myself from.

It's exhausting. It's always been exhausting.