Another crying session, this time a double session. Then a crying phone call this afternoon. So much crying. I can't hold all of this grief! Grief and fear. Grief of her not telling me sooner, grief that I'm not her child, grief that I can't have a child, and grief that she's taking a leave. And fear of abandonment, rejection, favoritism, being replaced, being unimportant, etc. My heart can't take this. I'm suffering from SI horribly. I AM trying my hardest to cope with it all, but when the grief and/or fears hit, they hit hard. So many tears, tension, nausea, gi issues, lack of sleep, drowsiness... And emotionally I'm a wreck. Whoever said that 4 months is enough, it isn't. Not to deal with so many of my core issues. I'm so flooded. I was finally honest with H about the SI and desire to SH, too. I think he gets it. My heart is broken. I just don't want this life anymore.