Objective and rational perspectives welcome.

I have been feeling ambivalent about my therapy and my therapist for a long time now. It's not that we aren't doing the work, we are.

It might just be me withdrawing because we're getting into the really difficult stuff for the first time since we've been working together. Or it could be that I'm trying to convince myself of a connection that I'm just not feeling. She says and does all the right things but.....

I know the obvious thing to do would be to have this discussion with T. Except the last time I brought up what I felt was a serious issue that was negatively impacting our sessions, she reacted badly and it caused a rupture in our relationship which although recovered, has never felt quite the same since.

An added complication is that T1 has unexpectedly come back Into my life after 3 years; and I feel like I need at least 1 session with her if only to see if I'd be able to work with her again. I know that's not being fair to my current T and the work we've done together, but this other issue has been bugging me since February, like an itch I just have to scratch. I need to know once and for all if going back is the right thing to do, or whether I should say goodbye to that part of my life and move forward. We didn't have proper closure and I've lived with that for 3 years; then finding T2 and subsequently losing her unexpectedly to a terminal illness. It feels too weird processing the loss of ex-T with current T, so I'm wondering if I'd be able to do it with T1.

I've arranged a phone call for Monday to discuss contracting and am thinking of asking for a one-off session just to see how I feel having contact with her again, or to get closure. Or is that a really bad idea?

Maybe I should just walk away from therapy altogether, but life outside therapy is totally s*** and I need that regular contact with someone who can help me process it all.

My head is a total mess.

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