Thanks guys! I felt like I wanted help with it yesterday but now I don’t! It’s comforting for me to know I can do it if she hurts me. So I don’t want her to know.
It’s just for me, it’s how I can be there for myself. I don’t know if that makes sense

I’ve done it on and off over the years, but never felt like I was relying on it like I am now. I did it once because of therapy with an old T when a strange feeling came up. But we never clicked and I always felt like a fake when I was with her… and I never felt like she could actually hurt me because I didn’t feel much for her.

Now it’s the opposite, and I feel like she has the power to destroy me. And I need to SH because of her. Because she is going to betray me.
When my

I sound like a maniac 🙈

Is it normal to want help and then not want help at the same time?

I will think about asking her hypothetically maybe.

LT, when you say to downplay it, how do I do that ?

I might talk about it as an old bad habit to test the waters incase I want to talk in the future

Thanks guys