I was able to break through the rocks and give the plant a really nice place to grow with plenty of soil on all sides. I wish you could see it.

I understand your comments about the ego. Im just an emotional wreck. Im sorry.

I'm starting to just not say anything and just do whatever task she requests. I come home, i smile, i greet her and i still tell her i love her.

But, anyways, i need to just drop everything and go, but i can't. I have no money saved up. Im trapped.

Last night, i dug more holes for more lavender bushes. I didn't say anything, and my wife started a conversation.

She told me we were both very sick emotionally and that we both need healing. She stated that she used to be a "people pleaser" and was afriad of being alone. Now, she is on a different path.

She acknowledged that I've made some major changes and that she sees that I'm trying to self-improve.

But, she said that we need to both be alone, for several years, to work on ourselves and achieve healing.

She told me that she sees us at a crossroads.

We can stay together and try and heal while being together, and we may not stay together because of the fallout from all the trauma...

Or, we separate after our business deals close, then work on healing as individuals and then see if God brings us back together. Maybe we will and maybe we won't.

I just listened and acknowledged her ideas, but in my mind i was thinking, we are talking about YEARS here, and i see that as YEARS we may not even have. She told me, " I don't hate you and i could be with you if we were both healed, but that's probably many years away."

She did say how she is tired of seeing the impact of our breakup on my face and in my spirit. Its hard to force a smile. Im around clients all day and by the time i get home, I'm drained from being "up" around them, so that's an area where i need to put in more effort so it makes the situation easier on her.

I just keep thinking....

4 years i survived without physical intimacy, or even kissing. I stayed faithful even when i was offered (by her) the opportunity to have an outside sex partner.

No exchanging poetry, no expression of love or desire, no excitement....and now I'm looking at possibly several more years of this???

Even if i can find a way to survive this emotionally, there's one question burning a hole in my mind:

Will i always just find myself waiting for the next breakup text?

Will i ever be able to get past this?

I know she feels totally justified in her reasoning and that her brutal honesty is better than sugar-coating, but it has DEVASTATED me and I'm not sure how to come back to my sanity.

I mean, i get dumped 2 weeks before a very important court battle. My self esteem was already tattered, but the breakup hit me unexpectedly and at a time when my perception of love and stability at home, was the only thing keeping me going.

Trying to make some sense of this.