The right thing, as a rule of thumb, morally, is to spare other people pain. If telling the bartender you heard through the grapevine her ex was slandering her caused her more pain, then it was not the right thing to do.

I had a very similar situation where one close friend told me our other close friend told other friends that I have BPD. It was especially angering to me because I told this friend many times that my psy did not diagnose me with the disorder, and she kept insisting I have it. She enjoyed spreading malicious gossip about me, her so-called best friend. Technically, by way of the logic I stated earlier, my friend was not right by telling me this information either. It did cause me more pain. It was one of the last straws that led to the end of my friendship with the malicious friend that soon followed. I didn’t even end the friendship over this! It was more hurtful behavior she did to me that followed. She was a bad friend, another abusive person I allowed in my life to keep hurting me until finally enough was enough.

I am a person who developed borderline traits that emerged in me as a result of severe emotional abuse done to me by my husband. I completely agree with you that this can happen. It happened to me. I am not having any more emotional dysregulation now that I am away from him!

I know how triggering hearing about this is to you, and all that you went through, and appreciate you defending others who have been victims and educating others to be aware. But doing it the way you did backfired on you.

I believe in order to heal from abuse, one has to get out of a victim mentality. After we get out of the abusive situation, which is the right thing to do, we need to stop feeling like a victim. It’s best to just go on with healthy lives and leave it in the past never to repeat again.