So, last night at bedtime (we've slept together the past 4 years) i asked her to clarify something she told me 2 days ago.

She said, " we are at a crossroads. We can stay together, and try to heal together, but we may keep poisoning each other and never get back together, or, physically separate (across the country) and heal as individuals, even if we are apart several years, then see if God and the Universe might bring us back together."

She said she sometimes has feelings like she is suffocating because doesn't feel that my changes are lasting and permanent

She expressed that if we separate and heal, we could possibly end coming back together as totally different people, who can totally feel and understand the other person, fully healed from all the past and present trauma, including trauma we both experienced from other relationships.
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I asked her if i could quote her in my journal and she agreed. The quotes below were typed as she spoke. These statements are being shared with my therapist in hopes ot will help me to better understand myself and help me repair my own brokenness.

"You cannot put yourself in other people's shoes. You have no empathy in your heart and soul. Only God can give you that. I cant live with someone who has no empathy. Even after your March 1st awakening, you still have zero empathy. "

Example - "You never felt my unconditional love. You don't even know what unconditional love is."

"The way you talk to me currently. Like last night, i tell you that i think the only way we can heal is to completely separate and you insisted on us staying together shows a lack of empathy. You want us to "work out" but you don't think about what i want."

"You don't see the damage we are doing to each other. You think and plan so you won't make a mistake. With me, its unconscious. I don't have to think about it. It comes from within. When it comes to love, and doing things for love, then it shouldn't be planned. It should be automatic."

I said, "Im sorry. When you broke up with me, i felt like i needed to pick myself up, dust myself off and show you that I'm dependable and that I'll be there no matter what. That text devastated me. I'm still not thinking straight."

She answered, "i have a kind heart. Im very aware of others and understands others. You cannot feel my pain. You try to force us to stay together when i keep telling you we need to be apart. You see only the physical, not the spiritual. "

I asked, "if we are apart 5 years, and we did get back together, what would that look like?"

"If we are both healed, then its like two totally different people."

"When i say that i believe, that i have faith in what i said when we met. I believe in my promises. I believe in the love. I thought we were on the same level in love, but we are not."

Timeline question: if we closed out our business deals tomorrow, what would you do?

She said, "i would make the move to South Carolina right away and just breathe again. Us staying together is hurting, but i know we have to do it right now, because of the finances."

I told her this, just now, as she was leaving for work, "Please remember this, forever and always. I swore an oath to protect you, and to love you and to never leave you...and what you are asking me now, is that i leave us and walk away. I would have never left, or given up on us, and i am only removing myself from your life now, because you are asking me to do it."

I think I'm more hurt and confused now than ever before....

I guess me fighting to hold on has been such a stupidly, foolish move....and i thought i was showing her my true colors, my reliabilityand my desire to honor my promises.

*sigh*