Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
The right thing, as a rule of thumb, morally, is to spare other people pain. If telling the bartender you heard through the grapevine her ex was slandering her caused her more pain, then it was not the right thing to do.
I had a very similar situation where one close friend told me our other close friend told other friends that I have BPD. It was especially angering to me because I told this friend many times that my psy did not diagnose me with the disorder, and she kept insisting I have it. She enjoyed spreading malicious gossip about me, her so-called best friend. Technically, by way of the logic I stated earlier, my friend was not right by telling me this information either. It did cause me more pain. It was one of the last straws that led to the end of my friendship with the malicious friend that soon followed. I didn’t even end the friendship over this! It was more hurtful behavior she did to me that followed. She was a bad friend, another abusive person I allowed in my life to keep hurting me until finally enough was enough.
I am a person who developed borderline traits that emerged in me as a result of severe emotional abuse done to me by my husband. I completely agree with you that this can happen. It happened to me. I am not having any more emotional dysregulation now that I am away from him!
I know how triggering hearing about this is to you, and all that you went through, and appreciate you defending others who have been victims and educating others to be aware. But doing it the way you did backfired on you.
I believe in order to heal from abuse, one has to get out of a victim mentality. After we get out of the abusive situation, which is the right thing to do, we need to stop feeling like a victim. It’s best to just go on with healthy lives and leave it in the past never to repeat again.
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I agree and disagree. I agree that causing people pain is not right when it is done deliberately, but what if the truth is a painful truth, and what if it is said out of concern for the person rather than to harm the person deliberately?
People tell each other painful truths all the time. When an alcoholic is confronted with their addiction, that's a painful truth, but it must be stated, and often by the person's friends or relatives. I was not deliberately trying to be hurtful. There is a huge difference between being open and honest with good intentions and being deliberately hurtful.
And, if that one friend hadn't told you that the other so-called friend was telling everyone you had BPD, then you would have remained in the dark about that friend stabbing you in the back, and you would have naively carried on your friendship with this person, not knowing that she was spreading vicious rumors about you. You say that wasn't the reason you ended the friendship, but wasn't it a catalyst and isn't it best to know the truth about what she was doing to you? Alternatively, you may have been angry that no one told you the truth.
This is a case of telling someone a painful truth so that they are not in the dark. So I don't completely agree with your logic. My intentions were honorable.
My mother recently told me something that was painful and hard to hear. She said that when I was 20 pounds heavier living with my ex husband, that I looked "pregnant". That hurt and caused me pain, but I know my mother wasn't deliberately trying to hurt me. She was simply being honest. Being honest doesn't equate to being morally wrong. I think we have very different opinions on what is "morally right".
And I don't think of myself as a victim, nor her as one. I WAS a victim of abuse, but now I am no longer, and I am empowered from having left. Same with this woman, Amy, the bartender. She left an abuser as well. I think of her as being empowered too.